


It's Easy To Fake A Smile.

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Series: Summer's Banned Together Bingo [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, Ableism, Anorexia, Anorexic Dean Winchester, Bad Parent Mary Winchester, Banned Together Bingo, Best Boyfriend Castiel, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Cole Trenton Being an Asshole, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Do Not Read If Triggered By Eating Disorders Or People Being Assholes Over Eating Disorders, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eating Disorders, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Good Friend Charlie Bradbury, Helpful Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, I Guess He's Dead, Inconsiderate People, John Doesn't Even Get Mentioned, Lillith is the worst, Lisa Braeden Being an Asshole, M/M, Panic Attacks, People Being Assholes, Potentially Triggering Language and Insults, Therapy, Verbal Abuse, and just plain rude people, calorie count, no beta we die like men, offensive language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:40:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26686033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: Written for the Banned Together Bingo 2020, for the square Accurate Depictions Of Ableism.*~*5 Times People In Dean's Life Were Ableist, and the 1 time they thought their actions through.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, General Everyone Being Friends, Mentioned Charlie/Dorothy and Garth/Bess
Series: Summer's Banned Together Bingo [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768180
Comments: 4
Kudos: 123
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	It's Easy To Fake A Smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this is the last warning, PEOPLE IN THIS FIC ARE ASSHOLES, IF YOU GET TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CLAIMING THAT ANOREXIA DOESN'T EXIST, OR CLAIMING PEOPLE ARE WEAK OR STUPID, PLEASE TURN BACK. Please stay safe. The people who say this in my fic are wrong and mean and none of what they say is true, but language like that can be triggering for people and if you think you might get triggered please turn back, it's better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> Now I've said that, I hope you enjoy!! And please remember, if anyone is acting like the first five to you or anyone you know, please stop them. It isn't right, it's discrimination, and most importantly it's just an asshole thing to do, purposefully or not.

Dean Winchester was anorexic. It wasn’t something he was proud of, nor something he happily advertised to everyone, but most people close to him knew, and sometimes they would tell other people.

Telling his friends was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do. He’d been keeping it a secret for so long, pretending to have already eaten and skipping out of activities involving food so they wouldn’t notice. He'd told someone before, and it hadn't gone well, so although finally telling them what was actually going on was a weight off his shoulders, it was also next to impossible. The words hadn’t wanted to escape. He had never really accepted it himself, so saying it out loud was basically out of the question, his therapist had encouraged him, telling him that it would be easier to get better if he had support, if he stopped treating it like a dirty little secret.

And he trusted her. But he still couldn’t say it out loud.

Sam got a ‘helping your anorexic loved one’ pamphlet left in his bedroom after Dean had gone over for a movie night.

Most of his other close friends got a sticky note with a web address for a site about how to help someone with anorexia.

Castiel - his loving boyfriend who had known something was wrong for months, but had been pushed away by Dean as soon as he started getting close - got a handwritten note, the only one which had included Dean having to write the word with his own hand. He didn’t know why he avoided it so much, it just felt like saying it outloud, writing it with his own two hands, would make it real.

And he was still holding out the hope it wasn’t real.

*~*

Before he told everyone, Dean hadn't even known what ableism was. But Cas did, and he did some research, and he looked into what was and what wasn't ableism, and then he told Dean. So that Dean could spot it as well.

Dean didn't know what help it was. What was the point of being able to tell what someone was discriminating you based on your disorder - purposefully or not - when it wouldn't change things.

But Cas thought it would be useful to know anyway, so Dean listened.

Once he knew what it was though, he started realising how much it was everywhere.

It would have been easier if it was just people trying to hurt him who were ableist, but even his friends, his family, did stuff. From making plans which he couldn't join in with, pretending it didn't exist, and then there was the other stuff, the people saying he was lying or the seemingly harmless people who just seemed to think their tiny problem was comparable with his.

As soon as he knew what it was, he realised how often he was faced with it. And he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to know or not.

*~*

1.

*~*

“Hey Dean!” Garth grinned, catching up with Dean just as he was leaving the garage, his eyes shining with excitement, “I’m having a cookout tonight -”

_ (2652 calories) _

“-and was wondering if you want to come?”

Dean frowned. He did want to go, Garth and Bess were going to spend the next four weeks with Bess’ parents up north, and would be leaving that night. This was their goodbye party of sorts, and Dean really would miss the couple, but the very thought of all that greasy food, the sheer amount of calories which would be in one backyard, and even if most people there would know about  _ everything,  _ Garth still had friends who Dean didn’t know, and everyone would still expect him to act normal, to eat like he used to.

He couldn’t stand to see the pity when they all remembered what Dean had become. He couldn’t stand to see them all slowly noticing that he wasn’t who they remembered him as.

“Sorry Garth,” Dean said with a very real grimace, “I can’t tonight, but enjoy your trip anyway, pass on my love.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth Dean was off, climbing into his car and driving home.

He just needed to get home, back to his own sanctuary where no one judged him.

The drive home took forever, yet no time at all, and before Dean could blink - yet also a million years later - he was parking his Baby in the garage. He didn’t even remember most of the drive, just like he didn’t remember when he walked into his house.

All he knew was that he was, he was home, Castiel was in front of him, looking concerned.

“Dean? Dean what happened?”

“Garth was having a cookout as his goodbye party,” Dean laughed tonelessly, “and, I know he didn’t mean to-” he didn’t continue, the tears he’d been holding back finally breaking through and slipping down his face.

“But it still felt like he was shutting you out,” Cas finished for him, reaching over and pulling Dean into his arms, humming gently to try and calm his crying boyfriend. 

Dean nodded his head, that was exactly it. It felt like Garth hadn’t actually wanted him there, he had just asked to be polite, and that’s why he had chosen an activity that Dean would obviously avoid.

“Dean,” Cas said quietly, rubbing his hand up and down Dean’s back, “Garth did actually want you there, he just wasn’t thinking,” Cas waited a moment, clearly wanting Dean to absorb the words or something, “You know how Garth can be.”

Dean nodded his head. Garth just hadn’t been thinking. That was all.

That didn’t stop Dean from eating less than normal that night- 

_ (100 calories) _

-even with Cas’ help and encouragement.

*~*

2.

*~*

“Why don’t you just eat?” Lilith cackled, her pale eyes glinting cruelly every time Dean turned around to look at her. She was leaning against Dean’s desk at the garage, refusing to go and sit in the waiting area like he had asked her, quite happy to stand around, watch Dean work, and be rude with her words. Her car was in for repairs, and they were going to be pretty costly repairs - definitely good for business, Lilith was rich and didn’t care about how expensive it was to repair her car - but Dean was seriously wondering if it was worth it. She’d been in the garage for the last hour, saying stuff about Dean not eating for the entire time.

“It’s food, it’s not exactly scary.”

He had no idea how Lillith knew. She had probably an overheard conversation or something like that, or at least, he hoped so. Dean didn’t think any of his friends would have told her, but then again you never know. Either way, however Lillith found out, she knew exactly what Dean was struggling with, and she loved nothing more than getting at Dean about it. From the first moment she walked into the garage, to the moment she left, she wouldn’t stop talking. Dean was fairly certain she was doing all she could to trigger him.

She really was just lovely like that.

She was one of those people who thought that eating disorders were stupid, one of the people who didn’t understand and was more than happy about that. If she didn’t understand something, she would make someone else’s life hell instead of trying to understand anything.

She had actually quite liked Dean back in high school. They had been in completely different friend groups and mainly avoided each other, but whenever they did interact Lilith was, she wasn’t nice, she was incredibly snarky and clearly looked down on Dean, but she was pleasant, and clearly thought Dean was hot, so didn’t bully him or anything.

Then one day she found out about his disorder, and that all changed.

Dean was at least partly certain that she was breaking her car just so she would have an excuse to ‘talk’ to Dean until it was fixed, and as long as he wanted her cash to keep rolling in - if she kept this up he would be able to hire a few more mechanics and they would be able to get more business - then he just had to put up with her. He had tried passing her off to one of the other mechanics, but she was very clear. She wanted Dean to fix her car, or she would take her business elsewhere.

And Dean really needed the money.

“I mean it’s not that hard,” Lilith mused, “I remember you back in high school, always stuffing your face with something or another, normally a slice of cherry pie-”

_ (486 calories) _

“- and here you are, acting like suddenly, you can’t eat.”

Dean sighed, clenching his jaw to stop himself from saying anything he might regret. “Here you go Lilith, your car is all done. You can talk to Kevin about prices,” he smiled tightly, “hopefully that will last you for a while.”

Lilith smiles back, an evil glint in her eyes, “yes, hopefully, or else I’ll just have to come back again.”

*~*

3.

*~*

Dean didn’t dislike his neighbours or anything. They were weird for sure, but not exactly horrible people. Chuck was an aspiring writer, Dean wasn’t sure he had ever seen the guy in anything other than his dirty old dressing gown with a tired smile on his face. But other than his weird dressing habits, he was a good neighbour. He was quiet enough, avoided small talk to the best of his ability and was normally too busy writing on his newest novel to butt into other peoples business.

His roommate Becky on the other hand.

She was also not bad per say. She was just… highly excitable and not very tactful at all. She was a complete gossip and always tried to talk to Dean the second he stepped foot outside of his house, either to ask for gossip or to share it.

“Good morning neighbour!” Becky chirped happily, bouncing on the other side of the hedge and being too noisy for Dean to pretend he hadn’t heard her.

“Hello Becky,” Dean said with a fake smile, wishing he had allowed Cas to grab the mail this morning instead of just going out to get it himself.

“How are you doing this morning?” Becky asked, vibrating in that annoying way she did when she had some new gossip she was desperate to spill. “Have you eaten any breakfast yet?” There was something in her tone which made Dean freeze and his blood run cold. “I’ve already eaten, I had some toast and jam-”

_ (125 calories) _

“- what about you?”

Dean could feel his face paling but forced himself to hold on. Becky didn’t know. She was just making small talk.

“Cas is just making some pancakes-”

_ (676 calories) _

“- so I’m going to eat once they are done,” Dean said, hoping his face didn’t betray how he was really feeling.

“That’s nice,” Becky grinned, “You know, I’ve barely been eating lunch for the past few days, I’ve just not been hungry, I think I’m getting anorexic or something.”

Dean froze, his muscles locking up. Every part of his being wanted to yell at Becky, tell her that not being hungry now and then isn’t the same as being anorexic, that they aren’t comparable.

Being anorexic wasn’t fun, or quirky, or some silly name to give yourself when you aren’t hungry.

“Goodbye Becky,” Dean finally managed to mutter, quickly disappearing back inside before she could say anything more. He placed the mail on the table, kissing Cas as he sat down next to his small stack of sugar free, fat free pancakes -

_ (100 calories) _

-Which Cas had made specially for him. After Cas had found out what was going on with Dean, he had put all his energy into finding low calorie meals which Dean would eat, so that he could make sure Dean was eating, even if it was only a little bit. Cas also always made sure to eat the same things as him, a show of support Dean supposed, meaning instead of making himself normal pancakes, he ate the same reduced pancakes as Dean did.

The only difference was that Cas put some maple syrup -

_ (260 calories) _

-while Dean ate his plain.

“What did Becky want?” Cas asked as he started eating his breakfast, “I saw you talking to her out the window.”

Dean smiled weakly, “She was just being her normal self, talking about breakfast, suggesting she had anorexia due to not eating lunch twice.”

Cas frowned, the expression pulling his eyes down and forming wrinkles on his forehead. “They are nothing alike,” he muttered, “and anyone who thinks they are the same thing, are just wrong.”

Dean laughed quietly at his boyfriends upset on his behalf. “It’s okay Cas, I’m used to it.”

“Just because you are used to it doesn’t make it any better, nor any less stupid.”

*~*

4.

*~*

Dean groaned when he saw the text on his phone, inviting him to Saturday’s family dinner at Mary’s house. Now, in theory he should love them, it was just Mary, Sam, Cas and Dean. Everyone there knew why he couldn’t eat the roast-

_ (850 calories) _

\- and so he didn’t have to be embarrassed when he only ate a little, or when he made something of his own to eat instead.

However there was one slight problem.

One tiny detail which made Saturday dinners a chore to sit through instead of an enjoyable family catch up.

Mary refused to accept that his anorexia existed.

She spent the entire time pretending everything was fine, like her son didn’t have an eating disorder and that Dean was turning down pie because he didn’t like her recipe, not because he physically couldn’t eat any.

And it hurt. It hurt to feel like he was Mary’s dirty little secret. It hurt that she thought it was so horrible that she wouldn’t even accept it. It hurt that she wouldn’t support him in trying to get over this. It possibly even made it worse, but Dean didn't like to think about that.

"You realise this is ableism right," Cas pointed out, reading the text over Dean's shoulder. "Her refusing to accept that you have an eating disorder is a form of ableism."

Dean sighed, Cas' words just an echo of things Dean had realised before. "I know," he said quietly, "but Mary doesn't mean any harm with it." It was a weak argument, even to him, but he said it anyway. Mary wasn't purposefully discriminating against him because of his disorder, or at least he hoped she wasn't.

“We don’t have to go,” Cas said, gently laying his hands on Dean’s shoulders and squeezing, the contact helping to ground Dean, "we could tell her that until she is ready to not pretend it doesn't exist, we won't come round."

“No it’s okay, we skipped last week. I’m fine, we can go.” Dean said, completely ignoring Cas' second comment. He could barely believe he had anorexia, and he had to live with it. He shouldn't hold Mary to other standards.

Cas sighed loudly but nodded his head, agreeing to follow Dean’s lead with this one. “Okay, but if you need to leave at any time, please tell me before it gets too bad.”

Dean nodded in agreement, “I promise,” he muttered, leaning over to leave a light kiss on Cas’ jaw. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cas grinned, even if there was still a tiny bit of trouble floating in his dazzling blue eyes.

*~*

5.

*~*

Dean was shaking, tears gathering in his eyes as he dashed home, the words of Lisa and Cole still dancing around his head, dancing and twirling and filling up every corner until they were all he could hear.

“Stupid.”

“Liar.”

“Are you really that desperate for attention?”

Dean knew that what they said wasn’t true, but whenever he thought about it he couldn’t help but wonder, what if they  _ were  _ right. What if everything they said was true, what if he was the one who was wrong, what if he was lying to himself, or lying to everyone else.

He ran faster.

“Liar.”

“Faking it.”

“Attention whore.”

He knew that Lisa was just pissed that he had ended things between them, pissed that he had said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then three weeks later had started dating Cas. He hadn’t been lying, he hadn’t been ready, but then Castiel had been all he needed to be ready, but that didn’t matter. Lisa didn’t care. She didn’t even care that neither of them actually loved each other. All she cared about was that he dumped her, and she couldn’t let him get away with that. She had known about his anorexia, she had been one of the few people he had told back when they were dating.

Her reaction was the main reason he never told anyone else.

“Men can’t have eating disorders.”

“Liar.”

“What Winchester? Are you a girl now?”

Cole had no reason to be this annoyed with Dean. He didn’t do anything to the guy, but he wanted to date Lisa so needed to be on her good side, so he just said everything she had always said to Dean. Then again, Dean had to be honest to himself, Cole meant every word he said. Maybe there was no reason for Cole to hate him specifically, but he and Lisa had similar views on things like this, so quoting Lisa probably got his point across pretty well anyway.

They thought Dean was weak because of everything, and maybe they were right.

“Weak.”

“Pussy.”

“Bet that’s why Novak puts up with you, he thinks you are a girl.”

Dean hadn’t even seen them coming. He’d been walking home and suddenly they were there, surrounding him as well as two people could, shouting words and pushing all his triggers. They weren’t there by coincidence, Lisa was apparently annoyed enough about the ‘embarrassment’ of Dean dumping her that she had to grab her new boytoy and do this.

She knew his weaknesses, and she was happy enough to use them against him.

The door crashed open as he launched himself into it, desperate to get inside, to find Cas. To see if he agreed, if he thought Dean was lying or faking or weak. Cas always told him the truth. He just needed the truth.

“Cas,” he gasped, almost collapsing to the floor right there in the entrance. He managed to stay upright - just about - for long enough to stagger into the living room, finally collapsing just as Cas ran into the room, his breathing wild as Castiel did everything he could to calm him down and get him to talk, to explain what was wrong.

*~*

+1

*~*

"Dean," a loud call comes from behind him, it was Charlie, dashing up behind him with a friendly grin plastered all over her face.

"Hey Red," he said with a slightly strained grin, he was quite tired, his shift had been a long one and he hadn’t managed to eat any lunch, so he just wanted to get home and curl up with Cas for the rest of the evening, "what's up?"

Charlie grinned, bouncing on the spot in excitement. "Me and Dot decided it’s been too long since we’ve had a friend get together, so decided to arrange one and we were wondering if you want to come?"

Dean felt cold dread slip down his spine, it was just going to be the same thing as Garth’s leaving party all over again wasn't it.

“What are you planning to do?” he asked, already preparing himself to apologise but turn them down, saying he was busy that day or something.

“Movie night at ours probably,” Charlie answered with a shrug, as though her words hadn’t just changed everything, yet nothing at all. “Everyone has to contribute to the snack selection, but we will make sure there is something that everyone likes,” she continued, a significant look in her eye which told Dean one very important thing. They were going to make sure there was some kind of snack that he would be able to eat. They were going out of their way to include him.

And that actually meant a lot to him, more than he ever realised it would.

“Thanks Charlie,” he said with a thankful smile, “I’ll double check with Cas, but I’m fairly sure we’ll be able to come.”

Charlie grinned, “Perfect, see you then.”

Dean's grin only grew as he walked home, by the time he walked through the front door his mouth hurt from smiling so wide.

Castiel didn't seem surprised when he saw how happy Dean looked, instead just smiled and asked, "I take it you talked to Charlie?"

"You had something to do with this didn't you," Dean laughed, leaning in to lean against Cas.

"I might have talked to a few people and given them a few articles to read," Castiel smiled, "it turned out they were more than happy to learn what they did wrong."

Dean smiled, hugging his boyfriend tightly as he thought about how amazing the movie night was going to be. They had found a way to include him, without alienating him, and Dean couldn't be happier. He had never imagined that this could happen, that his disorder could be anything more than a dirty little secret that a few people knew about. Now though, now with the support of those around him, he actually believed he might be able to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!! Please everyone be like Cas in this fic!!  
> Have an amazing day/night!!


End file.
